


A Crazy Little Thing Called Love

by kheuving, lovethevoid95



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Bisexual Dean Winchester, Castiel & Sam Winchester Friendship, Castiel Loves Dean Winchester, Castiel and Dean Winchester are Dorks, Dean Winchester Loves Castiel, Dean Winchester Loves The Impala, Dean is a music nerd, Dean secretly loves queen, Deanial, Destiel - Freeform, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Gay Panic, Hurt Dean Winchester, Hurt/Comfort, John Winchester Not Being an Asshole, Librarian Castiel, Lots of Angst, Lovesick Dean Winchester, M/M, Mechanic Dean Winchester, Military Dean Winchester, Military Veteran Dean Winchester, Openly Gay Castiel (Supernatural), Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Protective Dean Winchester, Sam is a nerd, Sick Dean Winchester, Slow Burn, Survivor Guilt, Violence, impala is destroyed, wounded dean winchester
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-01
Updated: 2019-04-12
Packaged: 2019-10-02 10:31:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 16,580
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17262650
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kheuving/pseuds/kheuving, https://archiveofourown.org/users/lovethevoid95/pseuds/lovethevoid95
Summary: Dean Winchester was a small town 18 year old itching to leave and enlisting in the army seemed like the best option for someone who was lost.Dean returns to Lawrence Kansas with physical and mental scars and a guilt he can't talk about.An attempt to open up to a new friend results in emotions and thoughts he'd been pressing down and a realization that he can't forget what happened.





	1. I Want to Break Free

**Author's Note:**

> This is our first fic and we are very excited about it. Therefore we welcome any comments/feedback.
> 
> Obama is still president for obvious reasons and we know next to nothing about the American military and apologize for any inaccuracies. Again, feedback about this would be very welcome.
> 
> We have also never been to Kansas and are not American.
> 
> Please, please, please give feedback!! We want it so bad.
> 
> Depending on how this goes it may become a part of a larger series that is planned and tags will be updated as necessary. 
> 
> *** DISCLAIMER: WE DO NOT OWN ANY CHARACTERS, ANY SIMILARITIES TO REAL LIFE PEOPLE ARE COMPLETELY COINCIDENTAL. ***

Dean didn’t want to spend his entire life in small town Kansas. Somehow, the idea of working at the auto shop with his dad and uncle Bobby didn’t seem like quite enough anymore. That’s how he found himself half way around the world serving his country. Fast forward three years and he is right back in Lawrence, Kansas unemployed and fucked up over the loss of his best friend. Dean sighs and rubs a shaky hand over his weary face and looks out the plane window. He thought that he would be happy and relieved to be home but instead he feels nothing.

Sure, he misses his family, but the idea of being back in Lawrence feels wrong somehow, like he was never meant to come home. Dean disembarks the plane and follows the herd of people towards baggage claim. He wipes his sweaty palms against his pants and stands at the carousel waiting for his bag. He ducks his head and tries to avoid catching anyone’s eye. He is definitely not up for the awkward conversations and the thank yous he receives while in uniform.

Dean paces back and forth trying to ignore the slight limp that hasn’t quite gone away yet while the bags fall and spin around. The old lady who sat next to him smiles at him and nods her goodbye but doesn’t come over and he is immensely grateful for that. He tried to be friendly during the flight, he really did, but he just didn’t have the energy. All he wants is some goddamn peace and quiet and to not be bothered. He can’t bare to answer any questions, he has nothing to say. He wasn’t special and he didn’t do anything worthy of a conversation. He was just Dean and he was tired.

Once he spotted his bag he hauled the army duffel over his shoulder and headed towards the exit. The airport was packed and at first he doesn’t see his family which actually makes him feel relieved. He exhales and squares his shoulders, ready to catch a cab home, when he hears the unmistakable voice of his younger brother cut through the noise and chatter.

“Dean!”

Dean turns around and plasters the best smile he can muster on his face.

“Sammy!”

Before he knows it he is swept up into a crushing bearhug from his not so small little brother. Dean forces himself to hug back and for a moment he closes his eyes and allows himself to enjoy being home. But only for a moment.

“Uh.. Sammy?” Dean croaks

“Yeah?” Sam coughs to cover up his voice from breaking.

“I kinda gotta breathe Sammy,” Dean chuckles and Sam loosens his grip and steps back to look at Dean.

“God, look at you, you’re huge! What are you feeding him Ma?” Dean asks, looking at the tearful blonde woman standing behind Sam, waiting eagerly for her turn.  
“Dean,” Mary says and swats Sam away so she can get her arms around Dean, pulling him into a strong embrace.

Dean wraps his arms around his mother and hugs her back. He wills himself not to cry and manages to win this time despite the quiet sobs coming from his mother. He rubs her back gently and pulls away.

“Let me look at you,” she says looking Dean up and down.

“You’ve gotten so skinny. Isn’t he skinny John?” Mary asks, wiping away tears and turning back to look at her husband who is silently watching everything unfold.  
“Oh leave the boy alone Mary, ain’t nothing your cooking can’t fix huh?” John’s deep voice startles Dean for a moment before he is able to shake the anxiety off and give his father a hug. “It’s good to see you son,” John pulls Dean into a quick hug before taking his bag from him and turning toward the exit. Dean is relieved when they exit the airport. People were beginning to whisper and stare at the reunion. Sam notices this and nudges Dean, “Hey Man, look it’s like you’re a celebrity or something huh?”

Dean can only manage a weak “Shut up bitch,” under his breath.

“Jerk” Sam says, shoving his shoulder playfully.

The rest of the morning goes by in a blur. Dean is so tired that he can barely force himself to keep up with all the chatter but he’s already missed out on so much of this. His mom tells him all about last year’s brats and about her setting up the classroom for the upcoming school year. Dean does his best to ask the appropriate questions but he honestly could care less about his mother’s job or about Sammy starting his first year at the University of Kansas in a few weeks. He knows he should feel guilty but he can’t. All he can do is think about him. Think about where he was only two weeks ago when he was still alive.

“Ma?” he says, his voice barely over a whisper.

“Yes sweetheart?” she turns to face Dean who is sitting at the kitchen table between his father and Sam.

“I’m awful tired, do you mind if I go to bed now?” he asks quietly.

Mary’s eyes flicker over to John and he nods before she answers. She kisses the top of his head and tells him to go ahead. Dean ignores the fact that it isn’t even three o’clock in the afternoon. He heads upstairs but not before he hears his mom’s worried whispers and John trying to reassure her and Sam “It’s just the jet leg Mary, let the boy rest.” Dean sighs and heads to his room, his head is pounding and his vision is on the verge of becoming blurry. He opens the door and is stunned to see that it is exactly as he left it. Nothing had changed, the AC/DC, Beatles, and Queen posters are still on the wall, the books and papers remain scattered across his desk, and his clothes spill out of his closest. He closes the door, puts his bag down on the bed, and gives in to the tears.

***  
Dean slept for two days straight. Mary worried and fussed over how much he slept while John reminded her that Dean did, in fact, need rest. Not only did he need to sleep off the jet leg, but he also was still recovering from his injuries. Mary meant well, she really did, but she didn’t really understand. Not the way John did anyway. Dean finally mustered up enough strength to get out of bed. After his shower he dresses in a pair of worn jeans, a plain T-shirt, and a flannel. He ignores his hair because he doesn’t want to feel the ragged scar that his hair hasn’t quite covered yet. Instead he gives himself a quick look over in the mirror and manages not to grimace. Come on Winchester, grow a pair and man up.

The smell of bacon and coffee hits Dean when he emerges from his room and suddenly he feels like he could eat a horse. He quickens his pace and bounds down the stairs and sees everyone in the kitchen. Ma stands at the stove cooking bacon and eggs while Sam and his Dad chat but he can’t quite hear what they’re saying. The chatter stops once they see him standing there.

“Morning Sweetheart, are you hungry? Breakfast is almost ready.”

“Thanks, Ma, I’m starving. Need any help?”

“Why don’t you get everyone some coffee and sit down honey”

Dean pours everyone coffee and manages to only swear mildly when he spills some. He places the mugs on the table and sits down waiting for the speech.

“What do you have planned for today sweetie?” Mary asks placing a plate in front of Dean.

“Uh, I actually don’t really have any plans, I thought I would unpack.” Dean said rubbing the back of his neck not looking up from his plate.

“Actually, I was hoping Dean would come with me to campus. I was hoping to go pick up some books from the library and I wanted to show Dean the campus since he hasn’t really had a chance to see it.” Sam says hurriedly while trying to scarf down eggs.

“That sounds lovely,” Mary says and John nods, his eyes focused on his eggs and bacon.

“Does that sound okay to you honey?” Mary asks looking at Dean.

“Course Ma,” Dean manages a few bites of eggs before standing up and scraping the remainder of his food into the trash before turning to Sammy.

“When did you wanna head out Sammy?”

“I’m good now!” Sam stands up nauseatingly fast and places his plate in the sink. “C’mon Dean, let’s go!” Dean chuckles and kisses Mary on the top of her head.

“Thanks for breakfast Ma. It was great”

“It was nothing, I’m just glad that you’re home and I can fatten you up” Mary smiles at Dean but he knows there is so much she isn’t saying. Dean turns to head down the hall but his dad stops him.

“Aren’t you forgetting something?”

Dean turns around and raises an eyebrow at his dad.

“Did you want a kiss too?”

John laughs “No you idiot, you plannin’ on walking to the university?”

Dean shrugs, “I figured I’d take Ma’s car.”

“You really want to drive the bug?” John asks smirking.

Dean can feel his face heat up. “Not particularly,” he mumbles.

John stands up and fishes a set of keys out of his pocket. “Here, take yours.”

Dean almost doesn’t catch the set of keys his dad throws at him. “These are the keys to your Impala.”

“No, actually they are the keys to _your_ Impala. I wanted to give it to you for your graduation present but you enlisted straight outta school.”

Dean stares at the keys in his hand dumbfounded. He swallows down the lump in his throat, “Thanks Dad.”

“We all know how much you love that car. Now you two get goin’ why don’t you,” Mary says smiling at Dean while Sam waits impatiently in the doorway.

Dean smiles and heads towards the garage. He hasn’t seen baby in three goddamn years. She is just as beautiful as he remembers. The sleek black ’67 Chevy Impala sits in the garage waiting for him. “Hi Darlin’, sorry it’s been so long.” Dean whispers to his car as he opens the driver’s door. Sam just shakes his head and laughs at Dean’s love for his car. They get in and Dean starts her up with a genuine smile gracing his lips for the first time in a while. He opens the garage door and drives out into the sunshine while Sam reaches for the radio.

“Hey, what do you think you’re doing?” Dean asks slapping Sam’s hand playfully.

“Putting on the radio?”

“Oh no, definitely not! Driver picks the music, shotgun shuts his cakehole.”

“Fine” Sam whines and stares out the window smiling.

Dean sorts through the cassettes until he finds the one he wants. He smirks and pops it into the player. He hits play and smiles as the beginning of I Want to Break Free begins to play.

Sam groans “Really Dean, Queen?”

“Of course Sammy, gotta start the day off right.”

Sam pretends to sulk but he is secretly very happy to listen to Queen. He really missed listening to it with Dean, and he’d never tell Dean, but he’s glad he doesn’t have to listen to it alone anymore. He’s never really liked the band but he missed Dean, so he used to listen to some of his music when he was gone.  
The song fills the car and they sit in silence, but Sam doesn’t feel quite right until Dean sings annoyingly off key because it isn’t really Dean if he doesn’t. So he does the only thing a logical, sane person would do. He does his best job at trying to badly sing like Freddie Mercury at the top of his lungs “God knows, God knows I want to break free”

Before Sam can continue Dean cuts him off with his roaring laughter. The car comes to a stop as Dean pulls over and puts the car in park so he can wipe his eyes.  
“Sam what the hell was that? Dean gasps, holding his side.

“I’ve decided to work as a Freddie Mercury impersonator and I’ll have you know that this is some of my best work” Sam says with a straight face.  
Dean bursts out laughing again. “I think you should stick to the book learning Sammy. Leave the music up to the professionals,” He puts the car in drive and pulls back onto the road.

The rest of the drive is quiet except for the music. They reach the campus and Dean takes forever to find a parking spot good enough to leave his baby in. Dean tried to pay attention to Sam’s chatter but he has a hard time focusing. All he can think about is the shear volume of people here and it’s summer! _You aren’t meant to be at school in the summer! Classes don’t even start for at least another week or two!_ Dean thinks as he follows Sam to the finance department, his heart beating wildly in his chest. C’mon Winchester, pull it together. You’ve been in situations much more dangerous than this. This is just university. Just a bunch of nerds. You can do this. Stop being a little bitch. Dean finishes his silent pep talk and sits at a bench in the hall waiting for Sam to come out of the office.

He can’t help but notice the group of girls sitting at table a little down the hall from him. For a moment he contemplates going over, but decides against it. One girl waves at Dean and then the whole table erupts into quiet giggles. He winks at her but decides to focus on his phone instead of the girls. He already has a missed text message from his mom and several from some of his friends who he hasn’t even bothered to tell that he’s home. He ignores those but decides to tell his Ma that he’s fine and yes he is, indeed, having a good time trailing after Sammy as he drones on and on about which classes he is going to take and which professors seem really difficult.

  
Sam finally emerges from the office carrying a large envelope and looking frustrated.

“What do you got there?” He asks nodding at the envelope.

“Oh, just a bunch of paperwork I have to fill out and submit before classes start or else I might lose my spot?”

Dean frowns looking confused, “what kind of paperwork?”

“Financial stuff mostly. I am trying to appeal the deadline for entrance scholarship. We can’t quite afford tuition and I need a scholarship but I didn’t apply on time”

“Smart kid like you shouldn’t have any problem getting a scholarship. Why didn’t you just get an entrance one when you applied?”

Sam sighs and runs a shaky hand through his hair before looking at his brother. “I never applied to the University of Kansas Dean. I applied to Stanford and I got a scholarship there.” Sam looks away not able to meet his brother’s questioning gaze.

“Then what the hell are you doin goin here Sammy? You could’ve been in California right now.” Dean says his voice raising slightly.  
Sam grips the envelope tighter and doesn’t answer.

“Sammy, what the hell?”

“You got hurt Dean. You should’ve seen Mom. She was a wreck and I knew that I couldn’t just leave. Mom and Dad needed me and I knew that if, I mean when, you came home you’d need me too” he whispers.

Dean can feel his stomach churn at his brother’s words. He closes his eyes tight and pinches the bride of his nose. All he ever wanted to do was to look after his little brother. To make his life a little easier, to look out for him. Instead, he failed him. He caused him to settle. To give up a little on his dreams. All he ever seemed to do was to let the people he loved down.

“I’m sorry Sammy”

“Dean, there’s nothing to apologize for”

Dean snorts but doesn’t comment. “ C’mon, there’s gotta be some good grub around here. I’m starving. Why don’t you lead the way?”

Sam nods and guides Dean down the hall past the group of girls who whisper not so quietly. He doesn’t even have the energy to hope that they haven’t noticed his slight limp. His leg is acting up and all the walking is starting to tire Dean out. They make their way to the cafeteria and Dean scans the boards for something that sounds appetizing but he isn’t hungry. Sammy settles on a salad with kale and Dean gets a hamburger and fries.

“How can you eat that rabbit food Sammy?” Dean asks with his nose scrunched up at the sight of the salad.

Sam chuckles and puts a large bit of leaves in his mouth. “It’s healthy that’s what it is. Not like you would know anything about it. All you eat are burgers and somehow you’ve managed to not get fat”

Dean snorts. Actually this is the first burger he has had in a long ass time. Dean forces himself to take a bite of his burger before he answers. “Sammy, I’m sorry but not everyone can look this good”

Sam rolls his eyes but smiles at his brother. He knows that something is off but he hopes that Dean just needs to be busy and readjust. Soon he will be the brother he remembers. He acts like he hasn’t noticed how thin Dean has become and how little he actually eats. He’ll bring it up if he feels he can but it’s probably best not to push too much.

“If you’re feeling up to it after this I’d like to go to the library still. I wanna pick up a few books to get ahead of the readings on the syllabus. It’s gonna be a crazy semester and I’d prefer to be able to sleep a few hours a week.”

“You really are a nerd aren’t you Sammy?” Dean asks smirking and placing his napkin over his half eaten burger.

“I’m sorry we can’t all live off of our good looks”

“Bitch”

“Jerk”

By the time they reach the library Dean is completely worn out. All he wants to do is pour himself a drink and climb back into bed. The Watson library is a fancy old building and Dean instantly feels uncomfortable and out of place. Thankfully, the library is not busy at all. He follows Sam through the lobby but stops when Sam heads to the stairs.

“I think I’m gonna sit and wait for you down here Sammy.”

Sam frowns at him, “I could really use some help carrying some of the books back down Dean”

Dean rubs the back of neck and sighs. “Alright Sammy, can we take the elevator though?”

Sam chuckles, “Gettin’ old Dean?”

“Bitch”

  
“Jerk,” Sam says but heads towards the elevator.

Thank God, Dean thinks as he follows his brother. His leg is really starting to ache. Dean follows Sam through the stacks but after twenty minutes he is absolutely exhausted. He leans against the wall and closes his eyes while Sam scours the shelf for the seven millionth book.

“Can I help you?” a husky voice brings Dean back to reality.

Dean opens his eyes and is greeted by a man standing too close to him yet he doesn’t feel threatened or even uncomfortable. Well he does, but not in a bad way necessarily. The man’s handsome face creased with worry. Handsome? Where in the hell did that come from?

Dean clears his throat. “Uh no, I’m just waiting for my little brother to finish gathering his books” he says with a pointed look in Sam’s direction.  
The man turns and looks at Sam “Sam?” he says and Dean cocks his eyebrow in confusion. He looks too old to be in Sam’s class. Not old really, but maybe a couple years older than Dean.

Sam turns with his arms filled with books and Dean feels instantly guilty when the messy dark-haired guy lifts some of the books out of Sam’s arms. “Thanks Cas!” Sam says with a smile.

“It’s not a problem Sam, it is part of my job, you know.”

Sam rolls his eyes and follows Cas towards the service desk. Dean pushes himself off the wall and grimaces. He makes his way slowly behind them trying to walk off the pain. Cas turns and looks over his shoulder at Dean. “Are you okay?” his deep voice makes Dean’s heart race. He wants to turn and run out of here but that would just raise way too many questions he can’t handle. He feels lightheaded but not in the way he usually does when he has a panic attack.

“I’m fine, thanks” Dean says looking at Cas hoping that he will just drop the matter, but of course, he’s not that lucky.

“You sure, you seem to be in pain? Would you like to sit down?” Cas asks nodding towards the bench by the service desk. What is up with this guy? Who honestly cares this much? Most people just smile and pretend not to notice. Either Cas is the most perceptive guy in all of Lawrence or Dean just isn’t as good at pretending as he thought. Dean isn’t sure which unnerves him more.

Sam sets his books down on the counter and turns back to Dean rushing over like a mother hen. “Are you okay? Is your leg hurting? Your head? Why didn’t you say something? Is that why you wanted to stay down-“ Dean cuts him off before he can continue to spiral out of control.  
“Sammy, I’m fine. Really. Okay?”

Sam looks over at Cas skeptically. “Dean I really think you should sit down”

“And I really think you should hurry up and grab your books before I leave your sorry ass to walk home.” Dean says with a little too much venom.

“Jerk” Sam says and turns back towards the desk. Cas, however, stands frozen just staring at Dean. “I’m guessing that you’re Dean?”

“What gave it away?” Dean looks at Cas feeling sick. Great. How much does he really know about me? What has Sam said?

“Well for starters, Sam said that only one person on God’s green’s earth can get away with calling him Sammy and that would be you. He also mentioned that you wear flannel even in the summer.” Cas says matter of factly, looking Dean up and down.

Dean can feel his cheeks redden and he looks away. “Good to know it’s all good things” Dean mumbles.

“Mostly” Cas says tilting his head. “I’m Castiel, but everyone calls me Cas” he says shifting his books so he can extend a hand for Dean to shake.

Dean stares at Cas’s outstretched hand for moment before he reluctantly shakes it and he tries to ignore the feeling in his stomach when their hands touch.

“Nice to meet you Dean.”

Before Dean can reply a voice cuts through his thoughts. “You gonna try and horribly fail at flirting with Sam’s brother or are you going to come and help me check out these books?” Dean turns from Cas and looks at the redhead behind the counter.  
Charlie. Dean sighs and chuckles softly.

“I wasn’t flirting, I was simply asking if he was okay and then introducing myself” Cas says looking rather uncomfortable.

“Uh huh, sure you were” Charlie says shaking her head with her hands on her hips.

“She’s just kidding man. She’s known me since high school and just likes to bust my balls,” Dean says walking over to the counter. “You gonna come around and give me a hug or do I have to hop over?”

Charlie laughs and comes around to hug Dean while Cas switches places with her and finishes checking out Sam’s books. “I’ve missed you Winchester.”

“You too Charlie”

“How long have you been home?” her tone turning slightly accusatory

“Just a few days, I swear.” Dean says raising his hands in the air.

“Well don’t be a stranger, okay? I would prefer to see you than listen to these two talk about you”

Dean looks at Sam and Cas but neither one of them will look at him. “Awesome” he says and clenches his fist.

Charlie lowers her voice “He missed you and he needed someone to talk to. Most of his friends have gone off to college.” she says before punching his shoulder not so softly and walking back behind the desk.

Of course Sam would befriend the cute nerdy guy who works at the library. Of course they would talk about me. Why not. Fuckin’ awesome. Dean pushes down the anxiety he feels and tries to rationalize the situation. His brother needed someone to talk to he needed a friend. You did get seriously injured half way around the world because you were literally in the middle of a war zone. He had good reasons to worry.

“Ready to go Dean?” Sam asks still avoiding his gaze. He would talk to Dean about this later. He would convince him that Cas was a cool guy despite the fact that he works in a library and that he didn’t talk about him that much.

“Yup” he says popping the ‘p.’ He reaches for one of the bags that Sam holds but he shrugs off Dean’s attempt to help. Dean rolls his eyes.  
“See ya Charlie,” he says waving goodbye to Charlie. “Soon, you mean see you soon,” she says smiling. “Yes, see you soon Charlie,” he says rolling his eyes. “Nice meeting ya Cas.”

Cas looks up from the computer, his face scrunched up from concentrating. Dean doesn’t think he looks cute. He really, really doesn’t. Or so he tells himself a few times. “Goodbye Dean.” He looks at Sam before continuing “I should have that book you were looking for in a day or two Sam.”

“Thanks Cas. I’ll see you soon. I should be back before classes start to grab it.”

Cas watches the two of them leave. He can’t help but watch Dean. The man is in obvious pain but he doesn’t complain or let on. He keeps going. He also didn’t check him out. No, of course not. He was simply making sure he could walk to the elevator okay. After all, it was his job to be alert in case any patrons needed assistance.

“Please tell me you are staring at Dean’s ass and not Sam’s.”

Cas jumps at Charlies voice. “Don’t be ludicrous, I was just watching in case he needed help”

Charlie snorts, “Suuurreee you were.”

“I was!”

“Cas, I like girls and even I can tell that he’s hot. I’m not blind.”

“Jesus Charlie, that’s Sam’s brother. Sam’s my friend and he’s been through a lot over the past few months. He won’t even talk about what happened to Dean over there.”

“Oh sweetie, if Sam hasn’t told you how Dean was hurt, it means he doesn’t know what happened. In case you hadn’t noticed Dean isn’t all that talkative” She pauses and looks at Cas with a sad expression. “He’s not quite the same. Even I can tell.”

Cas doesn’t know what to say so he simply goes back to processing the interlibrary loans.

***  
The car ride home was quiet and awkward. Dean pissed that he’s managed to ruin his little brother’s future. Pissed that the cute guy at the library knows just how damaged he is and he’s pissed that he can’t seem to interact with people like a normal person.

“Are you really okay Dean?” Sam asks breaking the silence.

“Yeah Sam, my leg just hurts sometimes. It’s not a hundred percent yet and I haven’t walked that much in a while.”

“I’m sorry Dean, I didn’t know.”

“Not your fault kid. Nothing a little physio won’t fix.”

“Mom and Dad wouldn’t tell me what happened. They just said you were hurt. After you had surgery I just knew you’d broken your leg and had surgery on your head.”  
“That’s about the gist of it Sammy.”

“No Dean, I don’t think it is. Do you remember what happened?”

Dean hesitated before he answered. “Honestly, not really. I mostly remember the pain afterwords. The doctors said some memory loss was normal. Besides that, bones heal Sammy. My leg will get better with time and my ribs have mostly healed. For the most part it’s all been reduced to scars.” Dean didn’t lie but he wasn’t ready to tell Sammy what really happened. Wasn’t ready to tell him about Benny yet.

“I’m glad you’re okay Dean,” Sam whispers

“Me too.”

Dinner was a quiet affair. There wasn’t much to say. Dean helped his mother do the dishes and after dinner he sat down in the living room and they all watched some cheesy drama together. Dean waited for his parents to go up to bed before he made his way to the kitchen. Sammy was in his room reading so this was his shot to grab a drink unnoticed. Dean went to the liquor cabinet and leafed through it. He didn’t really need a whole bottle. Besides his dad would notice if an entire bottle of whiskey went missing. Instead, Dean took a couple shots before grabbing a few beers and heading up to bed. He just needed enough to keep the dreams at bay.


	2. I'm Walking on Sunshine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hangouts with Charlie and Cas saves the day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for any mistakes! We would love any feedback!
> 
> Posting schedule will probably be Saturdays/Sundays.
> 
> So this is a repost. We updated and changed a little bit of the content in this chapter as well as chapter 3. I hope everyone enjoys! Please send us feedback!

The next morning Dean was woken to someone jumping on his bed squealing and giggling. Dean covered his head in his pillow, not only to protect it, but also to drown out the horrible noises.

“Dean! Wake up! Dean! Get your lazy, scrawny, ass up!”

Dean lifted his head out from under the pillow and squinted up at Jo who was standing on the bed. “Hey! Who do you think you’re calling scrawny. You must be in the wrong place,” Dean grumbled rubbing his eyes.

“Fine, not scrawny, skinny perhaps.” Jo said smirking. “Now get up and get dressed. We’re all going out.” she said nudging Dean’s foot with hers.

“We?”

“The family moron. C’mon rise and shine. Or are you too hungover? Shall I go and tell our moms we can’t go because you drank yourself into oblivion?” She says raising an eyebrow at Dean and nudging the empty beer bottles on the floor.

Dean snorts. “It was two beers Jo, just gimme a minute to get dressed, will you?” Jo hops off the bed but doesn’t leave the room. She looks around at all the posters on the wall and stops at the one of Queen.

“Y’know I also think that Freddie Mercury is pretty cute,” she smirks at Dean’s blushing face.

“It’s all about the music Jo,” Dean says rubbing the back of his neck. He keeps her gaze despite the fact that it feels like his face is on fire. Jo looks as if she wants to say something, but she simply shrugs instead.

“Whatever you say Dean. We’ll go with the music.”

Dean considers talking to her. Like really talking to her about it considering she already suspects something since it is possible to have posters on your wall of your favourite bands without people thinking that you actually like them. Dean sighs. He doesn’t want to talk about this but he also needs to know what she means.

“What are you talking about Jo?” Dean asks looking at Jo, his heart racing. “It’s a bit early to be having a chick flick moment don’t you think?”

“Aw and here I thought we were going to paint our nails and have a pillow fight?”

“Pillow fight?” Dean says waggling his eyebrows.

“Ew Dean,” She laughs and throws a pillow at him. “Seriously dude if you ever want to talk about it” she says nodding at the Queen poster “or anything really I’m always here.”

“Yeah, thanks Jo. Mind if I get dressed now?” He says and nods towards the door.

“Since when are you shy Dean?” “Fine, I mean if you want to see me naked all you had to do was ask,” he says acting as if he was about to pull his blanket off.

“Okay, okay, I’m leaving! Please don’t scar me!” Jo says covering her eyes with her hand. “Be downstairs in five minutes or else mom is coming up to get you!” she shouts from the hallway.

Dean gets out of bed because he really does not want Ellen to have to come up here. He stands up and strips off his jeans from the night before and pulls on a pair of clean boxers and jeans. He grabs an old AC/DC shirt. It’s a lot bigger on him then it used to be. “Awesome.” He knows that he lost weight after the accident. He was always lean but never skinny. He was always active, so he had muscle, but now it was gone. _I’ll start helping Dad and Bobby at the shop_. Dean thinks because he really doesn’t want to be this small. Dean hears laughing and chatter downstairs before he even reaches the stairs. He takes a deep breath, holds it, and then exhales. He makes his way down the stairs careful not to put too much weight on his injured leg.

“Dean! You best get your ass over here!” Ellen says opening her arms, waiting for a hug. He smiles and complies hugging Jo’s mom. “I’ve missed you! I’m so glad that you’re home!”

“Missed you too Ellen,” he croaks before she releases him.

“Lemme look at you,” she says hold him at a arms length away. “Your Ma’s right, you are too thin.”

“I wouldn’t say that.” Bobby says, coming in for a hug, “he’s just uglier than I remember.”

Dean laughs and hugs his uncle Bobby “and you’re older than I remembered. You must be already 70, right Bobby?”

“Idjit” Bobby says but his eyes are smiling.

Dean had them all worried to Death. Mary and Ellen worry that his body is damaged while John and himself worry that it’s his spirit. Which is something that takes a lot more than decent meals and exercise to fix.

“Not that I don’t love a good ole family reunion and everything, but what are we doing today?”

“I thought we would all go out for breakfast. It’s been so long since we’ve all been together,” Mary says smiling at Dean.

He chuckles and hugs his mom “sounds great Ma.”

Breakfast was quite a sight when the whole family got together. Dean couldn’t help but smile and laugh at his crazy family. Sammy ate enough to feed three people and John and Bobby had a few beers because it was technically brunch and eh it’s five o’clock somewhere. While his Ma and Ellen chastised their husbands they laughed and ate. Jo chatted the entire time and Dean listened and even joined in. He didn’t feel as anxious as usual. He was happy to be with his family and he was especially happy that they didn’t comment on how he “used” to be.

They finish their meal and Bobby and his Dad decide to finish up some work at the shop and Mary wants to go shopping. Dean tried to make his way to Bobby’s truck to go with them to work at the garage but Mary beats him to it.

“Dean, sweetheart. I was thinking we could get you some new clothes today.”

He took one look at his mom and knew it wasn’t optional. She looks so hopeful.

“Sam needs new clothes for back to school anyway.” Mary says cheerfully.

Dean doesn’t mention that they are both capable of shopping on their own. They haven’t shopped for clothes with their parents since they were kids.

“Sounds good Ma,” he says to make his mom happy. She looked too damn hopeful.

They tried on clothes and shopped around at a few different stores before Mary was satisfied that the boys each had enough new clothes. Mary just wanted to stop off at the grocery store before they could head home. Dean pushed the cart after his mother and Sam while they shopped and chatted.

“Dean, is that you?” Dean turns and is fave to face with Lisa. She looks great. Really great. Somehow that just makes Dean more anxious. He smiles and moves slightly away from the cart he’s been leaning on. He stuffs his hands in his head pockets and rocks back on his heels slightly.

“Hey, Lisa.”

“I haven’t seen you in forever! Last I heard you were injured somewhere half way across the world.”

Dean uses all of his strength to bite his tongue.

“Well here I am. In Lawrence.”

“I’m glad you’re back Dean. What are you doing now?” She asks leaning against her cart, looking up at Dean.

“Uh, not much. Probably going to work with my dad or Bobby.”

“Oh... well, there’s no shame in sticking with what’s familiar while you recuperate.” Lisa says, and runs Dean’s arm soothingly as if he were a child.

Dean feels small. He used to feel confident around Lisa, like he was someone worth being around. Now he just feels like Bambi. He doesn’t even want to answer. Doesn’t want to have to explain to her that he has no fucking idea what he is doing.

“What are you doing today?” Before Dean could answer his saviour swooped in.

“Winchester? Where the hell are you?” He could hear Charlie’s voice from the next aisle over. He tries and fails to hide his smile. Lisa visibly bristles at the sound of Charlie’s voice.

“Over here Charlie,” he calls out.

“I’ve been looking all over for you. You totally ditched me!” She says placing some produce in Dean’s cart.

“Oh, Hi, Lisa. What’s new? How’s Michael doing anyway?” She asks Lisa plastering a grin on her face.

Lisa scowls at Charlie but ignores her question. “I’ll text you later, okay Dean?”

“Sure, Uh, my number’s the same.” She squeezes his arm once before pushing her cart past Charlie and down another aisle.

“Awesome,” He mumbles. Charlie breaks out laughing. He gives her a dirty look. “So not funny.”

“Dude. It’s freaking hilarious. That girl could not hate me more.”

Dean relents because it’s really hard to be mad at Charlie and smiles. “Thanks Charlie. I don’t know how I could ever repay you,” he jokes.

“I do. I found your mom and brother, who by the way, thought you ran away... anyway, I told them I wanted to steal you away and they agreed I could have you for the rest of the day. So they went home.”

Dean is dumbfounded. He rubs the back of his neck. _Grow a pair Winchester! It’s hanging out with Charlie. What the fuck is wrong with you?_

“And what do you plan to do with me?” He asks raising an eyebrow.

“Harry Potter marathon obviously!”

“Obviously,” he echoes.

***

Dean had forgotten just how much fun it was to hangout with Charlie. Three hours later he is sitting on Charlie’s couch and they are almost done Philosopher’s stone. They made nachos, drank beer, and talked. Well, Charlie talked mostly and Dean listened. But he was glad to. They settle in to start their marathon and although they had both seen the movie a million times they are enthralled.

“You tell them H,” Charlie says to theTV. Hermione was telling the boys how it was done once again.

Dean chuckles.

“What? You know she’s right! She’s awesome!”

“I used to think she was annoying.” Dean says, his eyes on the TV.

Charlie punches his arm. Hard. “What! She’s not annoying, how can you say that?” She says exasperated.

He rolls his eyes. “I said I used to think she was annoying! I mean she’s pretty awesome, especially in Chamber of Secrets. I mean she’s totally badass and she practically saves the boys’ asses all the time.” He says turning to see Charlie grinning at him.

“She is totally badass! I used to have the biggest crush on her. Who the hell am I kidding? I probably always will,” she says taking a sip of her beer.

“What?” She says turning to face Dean.

Dean shrugs and takes a sip of his beer. “Nothing, I just didn’t know.”

Charlie looks surprised for a moment before a realization dawns on her. “Ah,” she clicks her tongue. “You were gone when I officially came out.”

Dean nods. He missed a lot.

“I just thought that you would have known. There were rumours that went around. A lot of rumours.” Charlie says finishing her beer in one big gulp.

“I never paid much attention to what others said. You know that Charlie.”

“It’s why I like you so much Winchester” she says turning back to the TV.

“So, who was your crush?” She says elbowing him. He grabs a handful of nachos and stuffs them in his mouth.

_Lie. Or just tell her about a different crush. You’ve had several. Yeah but it’s always this one that you wanted to talk about but couldn’t. Get over it Winchester. She’s not gonna judge. She just told you she’s gay. You can admit this. It’s safe here._

Charlie grabs a handful of nachos and eats them slowly and turns her attention away from Dean who looks as if his mind was imploding. She tries to give him space so he doesn’t feel like he’s in the spotlight. The minutes go by and Charlie thinks that Dean isn’t going to answer. She gets up to go to the bathroom when he finally breaks his silence.

“I always thought Freddie Mercury was pretty cool,” he says running the back of his neck and looking at the TV in order to hide his blushing face from Charlie.

“Who doesn’t love Freddie!” She says heading down the hall and into the bathroom.

Dean exhales a sigh of relief. Charlie didn’t even bat an eyelash. He leans back into the couch feeling drained. He finally admitted it out loud. Even though he didn’t say the words he knows that Charlie got the message. His heart was beating wildly in his chest and he feels like his arms are dead weight from all the adrenaline it took to speak those eight words.

“Want another beer bitch?” Charlie calls from the kitchen.

“You know it.”

They finish Philosopher’s stone and two more beers each before Charlie puts in Chamber of Secrets.

“Are we really going to watch all eight movies today?”

“Bitch please, I honestly can’t believe you just asked me that.”

Dean chuckles and grabs them more beer. “These are the last two. Do you went ‘em now or later?”

“Now!” He shakes his head and brings the beer to her even though it’s only like four in the afternoon and she’s already on her to getting hammered. Charlie was glued to her phone texting rapidly.

“You really need to get Snapchat dude. You have like no presence on anything. I mean you haven’t even updated your Facebook profile in like four years!” She says in mock disgust.

“No seriously though, you need snaphat!”

“No thanks. I think I can live without it.”

“I’ll bring you to the dark side” Charlie slurs and doesn’t quite finish her sentence, distracted by her phone.

“I’ll never turn to the dark side” he mumbles and checks his phone. His Ma probably texted him. Instead he sees a number he doesn’t recognize.

**U free Saturday night?**

He hesitates for a moment, confused as to who would text him. And then it dawns on him. Lisa.

**4 u I am**

He hits sent before he can overthink it. Tomorrow without the help of alcohol he might regret this but right now he feels okay.

**Pick me up at 8.**

**Yes ma’am.**

“Who are you texting?”

“Ma. She wants to know if I’ll be home for dinner,” he says refusing to look at Charlie.

“No! Tell her no! You are mine for the evening. I stole you fair and square!”

“Aye Aye Ma’am.” He pockets his phone and sits back relaxing into the couch.

Charlie stretches her legs out and puts them in Dean’s lap.

“No! See that’s why I love Hermione! She gets petrified for the cause she’s such a bad ass! I mean neither Harry nor Ron figured it out for fuck sakes!”

Dean laughs so hard he nearly cried because of how serious Charlie looks. She’s screaming at the TV and throws chips at the TV when she’s mad. Which is more often than not because both Harry and Ron are idiots.

“Now don’t shoot the messenger but they are only like twelve years old.”

Charlie narrows her eyes at him. “So is she! And she’s not an idiot! It’s no excuse!”

“True, but they work as a team. Each of them contributes to the group and they are stronger together”

“Touché bitch!”

Dean opened his mouth to reply when the front door bursts open and a very worried and disheveled Castiel rushes through the door.

“Charlie!?”

“You’re here! Finally! You got the beer? And the pie, right?”

Cas stands in the entranceway looking dumbfounded.

“You’re okay? I thought you were upset. I thought you were having an emotional breakdown or something!”

Dean can’t help but think that Cas’s disheveled hair and exasperated expression makes him look adorable. He bursts out laughing. Cas and Charlie begin laughing too.

“We just needed beer, pie, and your lovely company.” Charlie says grabbing the pie and beer that Cas has discarded on the floor. “I love you sweetie but if I had a mental breakdown you would know! You worry too much!”

Cas scoffs “you texted, and I quote ‘I need you to come over now! It’s an emergency! Beer and pie are a must if we are to survive the night’ with three exclamation marks,” Cas reads from his phone.

“We do need pie and beer to survive the night. We’re watching Harry Potter and we can’t stop it and we needed you!”

Cas blushes and looks away. He can’t stay mad at Charlie. No one can. Charlie hands Dean the pie and a beer before heading to the kitchen leaving Dean and Cas alone together.

“Which movie are you on?” Dean shifts on the couch to make room for Cas.

“We will pretend you didn’t ask that. Charlie would lose it.” He pats the spot next to him and Cas tilts his head before walking over and sitting down next to Dean.

“Ah, Chamber of Secrets. It’s gonna be a long night.” He says smiling at Dean.

Cas is so close to Dean that he can see the light dusting of freckles on his face. His breath hitches in his chest when Dean leans forward and his arm brushes against his own. Dean places the unopened beer on the table. His eyes focusing on the movie. Cas can see the scar that disrupts Dean’s hair. He looks away quickly not wanting Dean to think he is staring. Dean looks at Cas and smiles shyly.

“You and Charlie been friends long?”

He nods but has a hard time saying anything. _What is wrong with him?_ He feels completely overwhelmed. Before he can spin out of control Charlie comes back with a beer for him.

“I have to drive home.” He says. Charlie rolls her eyes.

“You’re staying here silly.”

Cas hadn’t had a sleep over since he was a kid. “But I didn’t bring my toothbrush.”

Charlie pinches his cheek “you’re precious.”

“How much have you had to drink?” He asks narrowing his eyes at Charlie.

“I’ve only had like two. I’m finnnneee”

“More like 10” Dean coughs. Cas laughs.

Charlie turns and points at Dean “traitor!”

Dean just winks at Charlie and Cas’s heart is going crazy. He feels like he’s gonna be sick. He’d seen pictures of Dean Winchester during his brief encounters at Sam’s house but seeing Dean in person was completely different. He was quieter and more withdrawn than he had expected but there was something about him that makes Cas want to be close to him. He feels like he should try and get to know Dean and not just the versions of him that he hears about from Sam and Charlie.

“You’re lucky you’re cute Winchester!”

She turns her attention to Cas again, “he IS cute isn’t he?”

Cas is dumbfounded. He could kill Charlie right now! Cas opens his mouth to say something but nothing comes out. He feels like he is going to be sick and he hasn’t even had anything to drink yet.

“Well, objectively speaking, I believe that society would deem Dean very attractive.” Cas says fidgeting.

Charlie narrows her eyes at Cas “What do you think?”

Cas sneaks a peek at Dean and can see that Dean is blushing furiously not looking at either Cas or Charlie. Cas clears his throat and is about to reply with a rather embarrassing confession when Dean speaks first.

“Aw Charlie, we both know that’s a stupid question. We all know I’m adorable.” Dean says giving an innocent smile.

Charlie bursts out laughing. “Suuure we do,” she laughs.

Dean throws a pillow at her and pretends to pout while Cas sits back at observes the old friends. His heart is still hammering in his chest but he is relieved that the rather awkward conversation has been abandoned. He feels grateful for Dean’s distraction but he can’t help but notice how quickly Dean was able to hide his discomfort, as if it were second nature.

“So Cas, how long have you and Sammy been friends?” Dean asks, opening up a beer and taking a gulp.

“Almost three years.” Cas says taking a sip of the beer Charlie brought him.

“Where’d you guys even meet? Aren’t you a bit older than Sammy?” Dean can’t help but watch intently as Cas tilts his head in confusion at his question.

“I’m only 24, I’m not that old.” Cas states matter of factly.

Dean chuckles softly but doesn’t push the matter.

“Sam was at the university library almost every night after school after you left.” Charlie says, not taking her eyes off of the TV as Harry tries to flee from the blinded basillisk.

Dean swallows down the lump in his throat but doesn’t say anything. All he can do is nod.

“C’mon bitches I want Mac and Cheese!” Charlie says as she shoots up from her seat and rushes into the kitchen.

“We better go help her or else she’ll burn the house down.” Cas smiles and nods.

He knows that Dean is probably right. As if on cue Charlie rushes back into the room calling frantically for Dean.

“Dean, Dean! I need the assistance of my handmaiden! I need Mac and Cheese and you make the best!’ she whines and gives Dean puppy dog eyes.

“Handmaiden?” Cas asks raising an eyebrow at Dean who is looking at his beer.

Dean rubs the back of his neck and ducks his head. “Uh. It’s a long story. I really do make the best Mac and Cheese though.”

He stands up and stretches and Cas watches as both his black T-shirt and flannel rises to expose a sliver of taut tan skin. Cas can feel his face flush so he averts his eyes before he can be caught staring.

“You better go help her before she actually does burn the house down.” Cas says, finally noticing Charlie’s retreat back to the kitchen while he was struggling not to stare at Dean.

“You’re right,” Dean sighs and sheds his flannel folding it before setting it down on the couch and Oh. Dear. God. Cas can’t help but gawk at Dean. The man was beautiful, there was no denying it. His arms were slim but strong from hard work and everyday use. Cas can feel his pulse quicken as he imagines what Dean would look like if he were outside sweating and covered in motor oil from working on the Impala.

“Comin’?” Dean asks raising an eyebrow at Cas. Cas ducks his head so Dean can’t see him blushing like an idiot. He nods, not trusting his voice. He stands on shaky legs and follows Dean into the kitchen. He notices that Dean staggers slightly and Cas isn’t sure if it’s due to the alcohol Dean consumed or if it’s due to his injury. He decides against asking Dean if he’s okay, after all he did not take kindly to Sam asking at the library.

Dean doesn’t feel self conscious about walking in front of Cas. Or so he tells himself. He makes it to the kitchen just in time to stop Charlie from pouring cheese into an empty pot on the stove. He carefully removes the cheese from her hands and gently hip checks her out of the way.

“Why don’t you put on some music?”

Charlie gasps and clutches her chest dramatically, “You’re goin’ to let me choose the music?”

Dean rolls his eyes and turns his attention back to the mess Charlie made, “Don’t make me regret it.”

“You’re a man of little faith Winchester!” Dean doesn’t respond, he continues to clean up her mess and begins to make actual Mac and Cheese.

He hears the beginning of some pop songs before “I’m Walking on Sunshine” begins to belt from the speakers.

“I regret it,” he jokes swaying slightly and singing along.

Cas stands against the wall and watches Dean as he sways and sings loudly. He can’t seem to take his eyes off of him. It’s going to be a long night he thinks.

“Caaasss!” Charlie whines and pulls him into the middle of the room to dance with her.

He stumbles around awkwardly but manages to keep Charlie from falling as she dances around the kitchen. He looks over to Dean for help and catches him staring at them with a bright smile on his freckled face. Dean winks and Cas looks away quickly. Yup, definitely gonna be a long night.


	3. Mrs. Infamous

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean's date with Lisa doesn't go as planned.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's a bit shorter than usual but we have both been really busy with school.  
> We would love comments! We live for them. We would really love to know what you guys think and we will keep your opinions in mind when we continue to write chapters!  
> Thank you! :)  
> So this has recently been updated! It is longer than before and the ending is different!!

Dean’s date with Lisa did not go well.

And now he was avoiding her. He honestly didn’t have the energy to deal with it.He did, however, end up spending the night with Cas.

The week started off okay. He had finally started his job working with his dad and Bobby a few days earlier and he was beginning to feel, well not quite normal, but okay. The work was satisfying and he was good at it, but it wasn’t so easy that he had time to allow his mind to wander, especially when it came to helping Bobby gather scrap parts in order to help restore a car. He would soon have a steady pay cheque and a reason to get out of bed in the morning. Sure, it was what he had left behind three years earlier but he tried not to think about that.

He falls asleep Friday night utterly exhausted. And then shit hit the fan. Dean woke to strong arms pushing his shoulders down and a whole lot of yelling that he couldn’t understand.

“Dean? Dean, look at me son.”

Dean blinks his eyes several times his heart pounding in his ears making it extremely difficult to hear what was going on.

“Dad?” he croaks.

He feels his father’s grip relax and he struggles to sit up.

“What’s happening?” Before his father can answer, his mother comes into the room and sets a glass of water on his nightstand and puts her hand on his forehead.

“What’s wrong? What happened?” He asks looking at his mother.

A sick feeling rising in his stomach.

“Sit up and drink some water, you’ll feel better.” she says attempting to soothe him.

He grimaces as his sweat soaked T-shirt slides against his skin as he tries to sit up. His parents stay with him until he finally falls back into a fitful sleep. In the morning he learns what happened and he can’t stomach it. He has nightmares. He knows this but what he doesn’t remember is that usually a member of his family has to wake him because he often screams. A lot. He usually lashes out in his sleep until he is roused to consciousness. Last night was a particularly terrifying one. Dean was not easy to wake up when he had a nightmare but usually John would be able to wake him up and coax him back to sleep. This time, however, it was Sam who tried to wake him. Sam who didn’t understand. He was a clumsy moose who wouldn’t hurt a fly.

He hit his brother.

He doesn’t even remember it.

“Dean for the millionth time, I’m okay!” Sam says over a cup of coffee the next morning.

“Still, I’m really fuckin’ sorry Sammy,” he says avoiding eye contact with his little brother. Sam’s jaw was beginning to bruise but luckily he only just caught him. It could’ve been much worse.

“Dean! Language,” Mary admonishes from her post at the counter. Her back was to them. She insisted on making everyone waffles even though no one had much of an appetite. Dean rolls his eyes but doesn’t say anything. He feels sick to his stomach.

“Besides, you hit like a girl.” Sam smirks.

“Bitch”

“Jerk”

“I wouldn’t let Jo or Charlie hear you talk like that,” Dean says emptying his coffee cup and placing it in the sink.

Sam chuckles, “Now they could probably throw a better punch than you.”

“You’re lucky I wasn’t even conscious. I could’ve done some serious damage,” he jokes but the sick feeling in his stomach climbs higher.

Sam snorts, “you wish,” he says a wide smile on his face. Dean couldn’t feel more guilty.

***

He hoped his day would get better but it didn’t. He worked for a few hours at Bobby’s but he couldn’t push the sick feeling gnawing at his insides away. _Why didn’t they tell me? You’re a bigger burden than you thought Winchester. Way to fuckin’ go._ He debated on calling Lisa and cancelling but the idea of having to sit at home all night was worse than going on a date. He liked Lisa in high school but he couldn’t decide whether that put him at ease or made him more anxious about the whole ordeal. He finishes up with the car he was working on. Washes his hands and says goodbye to Bobby- who only grunts in response. Dean chuckles grateful for the grouchy old man’s lack of attention. He opens the door to Baby and slides into the driver seat. He leans his head against the head rest and closes his eyes. He drives home and helps his mother with dinner. He pretends not to notice her worried looks and his father’s overly chatty attitude. He smiles and he goes through the motions until he is able to get ready for his date.

He showers quickly and dresses in a plain black T-shirt and a pair of faded jeans. He attempts to style his hair but gives up after his second failed attempt. The scar making it difficult. When he is satisfied that he has done all he can he takes a shot of whiskey, brushes his teeth again, grimacing at the taste and heads out. He pulls up to her house and takes a deep breath before getting out of the car and knocking on her door. He rocks on his feet with his hands in his pockets waiting for her to answer. When she finally opens the door Dean is left speechless. Lisa is beautiful. Her dark slightly wavy hair covers her sun-kissed shoulders and her dark eyes are highlighted by just the right amount of makeup. She smiles and Dean should feel happy. He should want to kiss her. He should want her. Instead, he feels guilty and sick as if he were cheating. He clears his throat.

“Wow, you look- well you look beautiful,” he says truthfully.

Lisa’s cheeks go pink but her eyes light up at the compliment. “You don’t look so bad yourself.”

The conversation between them is easy enough because Lisa does most of the talking. She fills him in on what he’d missed over the last three years. She traveled around Europe for a few months after high school with some friends and she was now currently in her second year at the University of Kansas studying psychology. She talks about the parties she’s been to while Dean listens and nods at all the appropriate places. He puts on a cassette that he had in his car but Lisa grimaces and changes it to the radio.

“So what was it like for you over there? Where were you anyway?” she asks fiddling with the knob of the radio.

Dean’s heart pounds in his chest but he ignores it “I, uh, actually don’t really want to talk about it.” he says quietly.

Lisa’s lips press into a hard line and she looks out the window. _Awesome._

“Do you actually have anything to say Dean?”

“I’m, uh, really happy that you’re doing so well Lisa.”

Lisa puts a hand on his knee, “thanks Dean. I’m happy. I’ve missed you. You never called or wrote or whatever.” She says quietly.

Dean pulls the car into the parking lot of the restaurant and parks, he turns and looks at Lisa, taking her hand in his, “I didn’t really call anyone Lisa, it was really busy and there wasn’t really much to say. I don’t want to talk about it because it can’t compare to your time in Europe or anything you’ve been up to. Honestly, I just hung out with a bunch of guys and cracked jokes and we hiked a lot,” he lied.

He can see her mulling over his answer in your head. “But you were injured?”

Dean forces a charming smile, “Barely. It was a car accident. Nothing serious.”

_Great, just keep lying, maybe it will go better if you do._

“Really?”

“Really.” Dean relaxes when Lisa smiles at him seeming to feel better now that she knows that he isn’t damaged and wounded.

Dinner goes fine, Dean mostly listens to Lisa talk and he realizes about half-way through his meal that he can’t remember a thing she said. “Want to grab a drink?”

_Oh God yes._ Dean shrugs his shoulders, “sure, want to go to the roadhouse?”

Lisa scrunches up her nose a little but nods. He has to fight not to roll his eyes at her. Some things never change. In hindsight, he really should’ve called it a night after dinner but he really thought a drink could help his nerves. Besides, everything is better after a few beers. Or so he thought. They decide to leave baby in the restaurant parking lot since it was less than a block to the roadhouse.

Once inside, Dean saw that it was packed. Lisa either didn’t notice or didn’t care how tense and uncomfortable Dean seemed. She grabbed his clammy hand and pulled him towards the bar and ordered for him. He hated that, but chose to let it go not trusting his voice. Lisa was scanning the room when her face scrunches up in disgust. Dean sips his drink and ignores whatever is bothering her until he hears Charlie call “Winchester,” from across the bar. Sure enough Charlie is making her way over with a timid looking Castiel in tow. Dean stands up a little straighter, his stomach in knots.

“Did you know she’d be here?” Lisa asks, her eyes narrowing when she looks at Dean.

“No. But what’s wrong with Charlie? He asks defensively, his tone challenging her to say something.

Lisa pouts for a moment before resting her hand on his bicep, “it’s just that tonight was supposed to be about us catching up,” she leans in closer to Dean and he can smell her sickeningly sweet perfume.

He can feel his stomach churn, “we have been.” Is all he manages to say before Charlie and Cas are there and they’re all standing awkwardly in a semi circle.

“What’s up bitches?” Charlie asks leaning slightly against Cas.

Lisa looks offended and opens her mouth to say something but is cut off by Charlie, “ lemme try that again. What’s up bitch?” She turns to Dean, and then back to Lisa, “what’s up Lisa.”

Dean chuckles, which is obviously the wrong answer. Lisa excuses herself to grab another drink ignoring Charlie and Cas completely.

“Isn’t she just a ray of sunshine?”

Dean snorts, “She ain’t that bad Charlie.” Dean says taking another sip of his beer.

“She is rather unpleasant.” Cas says matter of factly and Dean can’t help but smile.

“Hiya Cas.”

“Hello Dean.”

Dean smiles. He can’t help it.

“See even Cas doesn’t like her.” Charlie says trying to grasp her straw but failing miserably.

“Well, I don’t know about that. I don’t know her well enough to dislike her, but if she treats Dean well then she should have a chance and if she’s not so nice to him then maybe it’s time to find new friends.” Cas shrugs as if the answer was that simple.

_I guess, perhaps for Cas it is._ Dean rubs the back of neck and looks at Cas out of the corner of his eye and he can’t help but notice just how handsome Cas is. He is adorable dressed in a black button down shirt with the sleeves rolled up, partially tucked into a pair of light faded jeans. Dean turns his attention back to Charlie.

“I’d listen to him if I were you.” She says throwing her arm over Cas’s shoulders.

“I’ll keep that in mind Charlie.”

“I’m only saying, Dean, she’s toxic. She wasn’t good for you before. You remember high school? What she did?”

Dean lets out an exasperated sigh and tries to avoid Cas’s curious stare boring into the side of his head making his face flush. “I remember Charlie, but it’s not a big deal. We were what seventeen? We’ve both grown up now.” He says, but he doesn’t know who he is trying to convince, himself, or Charlie.

Charlie clicks her tongue but doesn’t say anything about Lisa. Dean finishes his drink just in time for Lisa to bring him another one. “Here, babe.” she says handing him a beer.

He tries to hide his discomfort and the nagging feeling that she’s just using him. He takes a swig of his beer but nods his thanks. Lisa stands as close to him as she can. Charlie visibly bristles and Cas looks even more uncomfortable than he did before.

“So Charlie, what’s new with you? Still working at the library are you?”

“Yup. Castiel and me.” Charlie says enthusiastically, ignoring the condescending tone in Lisa’s voice.

“That’s actually where I met Cas.” Dean says before he can think otherwise.

“You in a library? I’d have to see it to believe it.” Lisa says taking another sip of her drink.

Dean avoids the look on Charlie’s face and focuses his attention on the TV on the wall even though he can’t hear a thing that’s being said.

“Dean writes y’know.” Charlie says.

Dean snaps his attention back to his friend. He glares daggers at her hoping she’ll shut up. Lisa looks at Dean for an explanation.

“I used to. In high school. It’s been a while,” he mumbles.

“Can I read it sometime?” “I, uh, don’t have any of it anymore,” he lies, rubbing the back of his neck.

“Maybe you could write something for me sometime?”

“Sure, I guess I could do that,” he shrugs.

Lisa smiles triumphantly at Charlie and turns to kiss Dean on the lips. He freezes and tenses up. He doesn’t close his eyes which makes the whole situation that much more horrifying. His heart is beating like crazy and he is hyper aware of all of the noise and how many people are close to him. Lisa steps away and opens her eyes and smiles at him but he can’t hide his grimace. The sick feeling that had been building all day finally threatening to come up. He rushes away from his little group and heads towards the bathroom. He barely makes it before he is emptying the contents of his stomach into the sink. He attempts to rinse the sink out but his hands are shaking and his breathing is shallow. He feels like he’s about to pass out.

“Dean?” He doesn’t have to look up to know it’s Cas.

“Sorry, Cas.” He mumbles.

“You have nothing to apologize for.”

“I- I think I must have a stomach bug or something.”

“There is one going around,” Cas offers and Dean is grateful for his kindness.

“You can head back out there. I’ll be out in a minute.” he says but he still can’t stop trembling.

“Actually. I can’t. Once you left, Charlie and Lisa had words and were asked to leave by the intimidating woman behind the bar.”

Dean laughs. “Ellen? Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me.” Dean turns to face Cas.

“Want a ride home?” Cas asks him.

Dean shakes his head, “Nah, that’s okay. I’m parked about a block away.”

Cas frowns, “You can’t drive inebriated.”

Dean smiles weakly. Cas was adorable. “I’ve only had a couple of beers. I’m fine Cas.”

Cas shakes his head. “I can’t in good conscious let you drive.”

“I, uh. I don’t particularly want to go home yet. My folks will still be up and I don’t need all the questions.” he mumbles.

Cas tilts his head slightly. “You can stay at my place.” Dean hesitates for a moment but before he can say no Cas breaks the silence. “I mean, I can assure you that there will be no parents asking any unwanted questions.” He watches as Cas fidgets for a moment before nodding his agreement.

“Thanks Cas.” Cas blushes and rocks back slightly on the balls of his feet. Cas suddenly looks panic stricken.

He clears his throat, “Charlie actually drove us here. Mind if I drive us back in your car?” he asks sheepishly. He holds his breath as he waits for Dean to respond.

Dean grins, “Sure Cas. No problem."

 ***

Cas’s apartment was small and cluttered but in an organized way. He had two cheap Ikea bookshelves in the living room completely packed with books. However, it was the wall of books that surprised him. He didn’t think it was possible that one person could have so many books, or that this many books could even fit in this apartment. Dean admires the titles of the books that are lined from floor to ceiling. He nods in agreement when he sees something that he’s read or that he thinks he’d like to read. Cas kicks at the ground nervously as he watches Dean look through his books. He feels oddly exposed.

“I know, I have a disturbing number of books.” Cas says shyly.

Dean turns around and smiles broadly. “ I can see why you and Sammy are friends,” he says, his eyes sparkling. “Slaughterhouse-five, is one of my favourites,” Dean says running his fingers along the spine of the book.

Cas nods in agreement, “That one was excellent, although I also really enjoyed Cat’s Cradle.” Cas muses.

Dean is practically beaming. Cas smiles like an idiot as he watches Dean leaf through his books like an enthusiastic child.

“Man! You have all the classics! I never got to read Dracula, or Twenty Thousand Leagues Under the Sea!”

“You’re more than welcome to borrow anything you want to read Dean.” Cas says.

He usually never offers to loan his books out but then again he usually never has anyone over at his apartment either.

“Thanks Cas,” Dean says as he plucks Bram Stoker’s Dracula from the stack grinning like an idiot. Cas smiles and opens his mouth to reply but is cut off by music.

_My Sweetness_

_Where do you go?_

_When your friends tell me that you’re out_

_When you told me you’re at home_

_So I follow you Into the ground_

_I’ll follow you anywhere, my baby_

_I’ll follow you round and round_

Cas blushes and furiously looks for his phone (which he had placed on the couch earlier and was now under his jacket) before the song can continue to play or he misses the call. He doesn’t know why he feels embarrassed but to him music is a deeply personal thing and he was caught off guard. He finally finds the damned thing and looks at Dean smiling apologetically before answering the call. Dean smiles and continues to read through Dracula.

“Hello?” Cas huffs trying to hide his irritation.

“Caaass!!! Where are you? Did you get home okay?”

He smiles slightly because who could be upset with Charlie?

“Yes, I drove Dean’s car. He’s staying at my place tonight.”

There is silence for a moment while Charlie’s drunken brain processes what he said. After a moment the silence is broken by Charlie’s obnoxious squeals. “Ohmygod, ohmygod! He let you drive the car!? He never lets anyone drive his baby!” She says Cas rolls his eyes but his heart skips a beat.

“He was intoxicated. It wasn’t really up for debate. Speaking of, how did you get home?” He asks narrowing his eyes even though she can’t see him.

“Relax Cas, Jo drove me home. I’ll pick up my car tomorrow.” He talked with Charlie for few minutes while Dean continued to read. If he wasn’t mistaken he could swear that Dean was blushing... He ends the call with Charlie before it gets too embarrassing (she was starting to pry about their sleepover, which isn’t a big deal) he reminds himself.

“Sorry.” Cas says ducking his head.

Dean looks up from the book that is now open in his lap, “don’t be.”

Dean puts Stoker down and stretches “I liked your ringtone, what song was that?”

“Mrs. Infamous, by Palaye Royale” Cas says quietly pretending to pick lint off his shirt. He always gets a little uncomfortable talking about music he likes because he worries that if someone doesn’t like it or criticizes his taste then they are personally criticizes him.

Dean repeats the name and smiles “I liked it. I’ll have to listen to some more.” He muses and stretches his legs out some more grimacing slightly.

“They’re not that well known yet, but I really enjoy their music.”

“What’s your favourite song of theirs?” Dean asks curious.

Cas tilts his head and clasps his hands behind his back as if he were deep in thought. Dean chuckles but waits patiently. Cas grins, “That’s not fair, that’s a tough question.”

“I’m listening.”


	4. Somebody to Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cas goes over to help Sam with a paper but ends of spending most of his time in Dean's room to Sam's dismay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey Guys! So sorry this has taken so long! I promise we are still working on this and have not forgotten! We appreciate you guys reading this! It means so much to us! We live for your Kudos and comments! We have updated chapter two and three so please go back and read that to make sense of chapter four! Thanks! It shouldn't take nearly as long for more updates! We are currently finishing our degrees at Uni. :)

If Cas wasn’t intrigued by Dean Winchester before, he certainly was now. They spent the night talking about books and listening to music. Dean was throughly appalled by Cas’s lack of knowledge when it came to classic rock- especially Queen. There was a lot more to the eldest Winchester brother than what meets the eye. He is a lot smarter than he gives himself credit for. 

“I bet Sammy would love to work at the Library.” Dean says leaning back into the small couch and curling his long slightly bow-legs underneath him. 

“Yes, he would. We are going to submit his application for next year. By the time he applied and got into school, the positions were all taken.” Cas says settling into the couch a little more. 

Dean ducks his head and rubs the back of his neck. “The kid should be at Stanford.” 

“There’s nothing wrong with KU.” 

Dean purses his lips about to speak but thinks better of it. 

“Sam is going to get a fine education here.” 

Dean looks at Cas and Cas can’t help but shiver under the intensity of Dean’s stare. He looks away quickly before he can be tempted to count the freckles that dust Dean’s face. 

“I’m not judging the school, hell who am I to judge? I don’t know anythin’ ‘bout college but I know that Sammy always wanted to go to Cali and now he’s stuck here cause of me.” Dean says his face darkening. 

Cas opens his mouth to say something but is interrupted by Dean’s phone ringing. 

“Shit!” Dean curses and unfolds his legs in order to fish his phone out of his back pocket. 

Dean grimaces down at the screen before silencing the phone. 

“Lisa.” Dean says as an explanation. 

Cas doesn’t know what to say. He doesn’t like Lisa and he can’t seem to understand why Dean would like her. Have you seen her? Even you can tell that she’s gorgeous and that any guy would want her. Dean wants her.

Cas breathes through his nose in an attempt to calm himself. Dean, Dean was Sam’s brother and if he liked Lisa then he would do his best to be nice to her.   
“Holy Shit it’s already eight a.m.” Dean’s voice breaks through Cas’s thoughts.

“Oh.” was all Cas could manage to say. 

“I better get going. I have an appointment.” Dean says lamely his cheeks colouring a rather vibrant shade of pink. 

“I actually have plans with Sam.”

Dean stands and stretches. “Sammy?” he asks raising a perfect eyebrow at Cas. 

“Yes. Classes start this week and I told him I would come over and look at an essay he’s been working on.” 

“If classes haven’t even started yet then why is Sammy writing essays?” Dean asks incredulously. 

Cas chuckles softly. “He wanted to get a head start on the syllabus. Which if you ask me, is an excellent idea considering how quickly the work can pile up.”  
“Yup. It’s official. I am surrounded by nerds.” 

Cas’s cheeks flush magenta. He opens his mouth to ask if that’s a bad thing but the grin on Dean’s face stops him. Dean is looking at Cas with a fond expression. Dean Winchester is not nearly as afraid of looking uncool as Cas would’ve thought he’d be. 

“Why don’t you get dressed and I can give you a ride over?”

“You sure?” 

Dean rolls his eyes, “Dude, what’s the point of both of us taking a car to the same place? I would’ve thought you’d be all about saving the environment and shit Cas.” 

Cas snorts. “I accept your ride, thank you, Dean. I simply didn’t want to be a burden since you mentioned you had an appointment you had to get to. And just so you know, I am, as you said ‘all about saving the environment’” He said using air quotes for the last bit. 

Dean chuckles, “Okay, Cas, whatever you say. Why don’t you get dressed so we can hit the road, huh?” 

Cas narrows his eyes at Dean, “The environment is no laughing matter Dean. It is in serious crisis, just look at bees for example.” 

“Bees?”   
***  
Dean didn’t think much about teasing Cas about the environment but it turns out that the dude had a serious thing for bees. They were almost at the Winchester house and Was was still talking about bees. Dean tried his best to listen to what Cas was saying but he found it hard to concentrate on what he was saying. It’s not his fault that Cas had a ridiculously hot voice. 

“Did you know that Honey bees have been producing honey the same way for 150 million years and that they are the only insect that produces food that humans eat.” 

They reach the Winchester house and Dean parks the car in a shady spot and turns to face Cas. His breath catches in his throat at the sight of him. Cas’s dark hair is perfectly disheveled and the sun frames his face in a golden hue. But it’s his eyes that Dean can’t look away from. They’re bright and vibrant and utterly indescribable. Dean almost leans in but stops himself and clears his throat loudly. 

“Uh, no Cas. I didn’t know that, but honestly the more you tell me, the more I think I like them.” Dean says quietly. 

Cas’s cheeks redden slightly but he doesn’t look away. “They’re rather remarkable insects.” 

The corners of Dean’s mouth curl up. You’re remarkable. He thinks before the soul crushing weight of guilt takes root in his gut. 

“We’d better go in.” 

Once inside Dean immediately wished he never came home.

“Dean!” 

“Hi Ma.” He says leaning in and kissing her on the cheek.

“You never came home last night. Did you stay at Lisa’s?” 

Dean can feel his face flush furiously at his mothers insinuation. 

He ducks his head and rubs the back of his neck suddenly remembering that he is wearing the same clothes he left in last night. “I stayed at Cas’s” he mumbles. 

Mary looks past Dean and notices Cas. Her face softens into a smile, “Castiel! It’s so nice to see you dear. I didn’t know you and Dean knew each other.” She says smiling at Cas but her words sit heavy with Dean as if she thinks they couldn’t be friends. 

Cas smiles at Mary, “Dean and I met at the library when Sam came in for books a while back. I work with his friend Charlie.” 

“Charlie! How is Charlie? I haven’t seen her in so long!” Mary exclaims. 

“She’s doing really good! She’s in her third year of her computer science degree at KU.” 

“That’s wonderful. Maybe you guys could help Dean here pick something to study? Hmm? Wouldn’t that be just wonderful if all four of you went to KU? And then Sam could have his big brother with him!” 

Cas’s smile is still plastered to his face but it’s a little more forced and uncomfortable, “I’ll help Dean with whatever he needs,” he says sincerely.

Dean’s stomach flutters and he can’t bear to look at Cas’s sincere face. Thankfully he is saved by his little brother. 

“Cas! Sammy shouts bounding down the stairs on his ridiculously long moose legs. 

“How’d your date go with Lisa?” Sam asks as he stands on the bottom step.

“It went okay. We had dinner. Nothin’ special.” He said shrugging. 

Sam frowned slightly not fully satisfied with that answer. He opened his mouth to speak but Cas interjected. “Did you finish that essay?”

Sam turns to Cas his whole face lighting up. “Almost. I had a few things I need your opinion on before I can continue.” 

“Why don’t we go take a look at it and see if we can figure it out?” 

Dean’s shoulder’s relaxed. Thank God for Castiel. 

Sam and Cas disappear upstairs leaving Dean alone with Mary. He turns to make his way to his room but his mother stops him by placing a hand firmly on his shoulder. “I was really worried when you didn’t come home Dean.” He turns around but avoids eye contact with her, “Sorry, Ma. I met up with Cas and Charlie last night.” 

Mary grimaces slightly but Dean chooses not to try and decipher what her problem is. She couldn’t have a problem with Cas does she? Or does she have a problem with him hanging out with Cas?

“Alright honey, well next time I’d appreciate if you’d call me and let me know that you’re not coming home?”

Not like she’s known where I’ve been sleeping each night for the better part of three years. He thinks angrily. He’s 21, he shouldn’t have to call his mother every night he’s not home. God I need to get the fuck outta here. He thinks feeling slightly guilty. It’s his own fault that his mother is sick with worry. She never used to be like this, even when Dean was 17 his mother didn’t feel the need to have him check in. She trusted her son, she just wanted to know beforehand where he was. She didn’t need him to call her on a Saturday night. 

Dean kisses his mother on the cheek one last time and retreats up the stairs to his room. He decides to combat the silence by blasting it away with some good ole rock music. He walks over to the record player (everything sounds better on vinyl anyway) and puts on A Day at the Races album to combat the silence that is threatening to sink its teeth into Dean and drag him under again. 

He doesn’t allow himself to dwell on the awful date with Lisa or the surprising but wonderful night with Cas. Dean can tell he’s in trouble already. But he WILL NOT allow himself to crush on Sammy’s friend. The last thing the kid needs is to have his fucked up big brother turn his friendship with Cas into an awkward fucked up mess because he has a crush on a guy Dean’s just met. Not to mention that Cas is way too good for him. Dean shakes his head as if he could shake loose the awful thoughts that were plaguing his tired brain. He rummages through his closet until he finds a pair of faded blue jeans (admittedly they’d seen better days) and a black Henley and sets them on his bed. He leaves the music to play while he heads to the bathroom to take a quick shower. He turns the water on and strips off his clothes avoiding his reflection in the mirror.

****  
Cas has been to the Winchester residence countless times before and never felt this nervous and jittery but he hasn’t been over since Dean’s been home. He tries to ignore that fact but Dean is making it incredibly difficult to focus. Instead of listening intently to Sam reading his essay aloud, Cas can’t help but focus in on the fact that Dean has cranked music (he can only assume it must be Queen??) and is now in the shower singing loudly: 

I work hard, he works hard, every day of my life  
I work 'til I ache in my bones  
At the end, at the end of the day,  
I take home my hard earned pay all on my own  
I get down ,down, on my knees ,knees,  
And I start to pray  
'Til the tears run down from my eyes  
Lord, somebody ,somebody, ooh somebody  
Please, can anybody find me somebody to love?

Cas can feel the blush creep up his neck and stain his face bright red because he is certainly not thinking about Dean down on his knees or the fact that Dean is very naked right now, no he is definitely NOT thinking about that. He tries to turn his attention back to Sam’s paper but at this point it’s a lost cause. He has no idea what Sam has been saying for the past few minutes. He closes his eyes and pretends to listen intently to the essay but really he’s listening to Dean. Dean’s voice can easily be heard over both the shower and the music as he cheerfully belts out the song purposely off key.

“Earth to Cas.” Sam says waving a hand in front of Cas’s face. 

Cas jumps and looks at Sam slightly wide eyed. He ignores the heat rising to his cheeks. “Why are you flapping your hand around like a dying insect?” Cas asks scrunching up his face in both annoyance and guilt. 

Sam snorts, “dude, you were totally zoned out. You weren’t even listening!” 

Cas opens his mouth to reply but nothing comes out. All he can hear is Dean. Sam’a face lights up in recognition. 

“I know, he’s annoying, and he sounds like a dying weasel, but I don’t have the heart to tell him to shut up. Perhaps in a week or so though,” Sam muses. 

“It’s really quite alright.” 

“His date with Lisa must’ve went well,” Sam chuckles and stands to stretch. “I’m going to grab a drink, want anything?” 

“No thanks.” 

Once Sam leaves the room and Cas can hear him on the stairs, he stands and makes his way into the hallway. He peeks his head into Dean’s empty room across the hall from Sam’s. His heart is racing and all he can hear is the blood rushing in his ears. Cautiously, he pushes the door open with his foot. The walls are a deep hunter green, and covered in various posters, ranging from classic rock bands to old cars and even a few of posters of half-naked women. He wasn’t surprised, Dean had quite the reputation as a womanizer according to Sam. He’d have to ask Charlie about that though. 

What he couldn’t seem to take his eyes off of were the tattered paperbacks stacked on his desk. A dozen or so old books ranging from Vonnegut, Poe, Hemingway, to Tolkien, Wilde, Browning, and even Dickens lay neatly stacked on his desk. He picks up the well-loved edition of Great Expectations and leafs through it only to discover scribbles of what he can only assume is Dean’s handwriting in the columns on almost every page. Holy shit. Dean wrote down his ideas and thoughts regarding the characters, plot, and even speculating on what Dickens’ was thinking. Cas set the book down and picked up others and found that Dean had written in all of them. He tried to put the books down and to stop because this felt wrong. Dean’s words and opinions felt personal and strangely intimate. 

He quickly scans the poem. He hadn’t read this one in a very long time, but in all honestly he never paid particular attention to this poem. He can see that something about the poem resonated with Dean:

Stake your counter as boldly every whit,   
Venture as warily, use the same skill,   
Do your best, whether winning or losing it, 

If you choose to play! -- is my principle.   
Let a man contend to the uttermost   
For his life's set prize, be it what it will! 

Dean had scribbled alongside this passage a few words such as “if your passionate about something, give it your all even if you know you don’t stand a chance” and “inscribed on Ernest Shackleton’s grave- antarctic explorer” Cas was about to read more when the door creaked. Cas looks up and sees Dean leaning against the doorframe clad in nothing but a towel wrapped around his waist. Cas panics for a moment, before he realizes that Dean has an amused look on his face. He tries his best to keep his gaze directed at Dean’s face but his traitorous eyes roam down his sun-kissed shoulders down his chest and stomach. He tries not to look at the scars on his abdomen but he can’t look away because they’re beautiful. Dean is beautiful. 

Dean saunters into the room with one hand ensuring that the towel remains securely around his waist. It’s then that Cas notices Dean’s legs. Both legs are scarred, presumably burned. The ragged and uneven skin stands the entire length of the front of his calfs from his ankles up his legs over his knees and disappear under the towel. Dean notices Cas looking and he quickly looks away embarrassed because he can only imagine that Dean is self-conscious about this and he is in Dean’s room after all. 

“Sorry” 

“For what?” Dean asks. 

“I wasn’t invited in. I’ve never been in your room before and I was curious. I saw your books and well as you know I have a proclivity for such things” he mumbles and looks at the wall behind Dean. 

Dean chuckles, “S’okay, Cas. I don’t mind. I spent hours looking through your books last night. S’only fair.”

Cas smiles relieved that Dean isn’t mad and that he hasn’t made this weird like he always does. His relief doesn’t last long though. Dean picks up his boxers which were folded on the bed and begins to slip them on under his towel. Cas quickly averts his eyes turning his back to Dean to look at his books instead. He doesn’t dare pick them up again but he tilts his head and examines their worn covers. They weren’t miss handled per say but they had definitely been read cover to cover, more than once Cas would guess. 

He ignores Dean’s soft chuckling behind him and doesn’t dare to look back until he’s certain that Dean’s fully dressed because he doesn’t trust himself not to ogle him and that would be weird. “How’s Sammy’s essay going?” 

He turns around slightly to look at Dean despite the inner battle he’d just had with himself. He clenches his fist and shuts his eyes tight for a moment because dear God Dean is either the slowest dresser in the world, the most confident person around or he wants Cas to suffer. Dean had managed to put his shirt on and was now sitting on the edge of his bed to get his jeans on. 

After an awkward pause he opens his eyes to see Dean standing abruptly and yanking his jeans on quickly. “Sorry,” he mumbles not looking at Cas.

Cas cocks his head to the side confused. “What do you mean?” 

“I know they’re ugly to look at.” 

He stares at Dean dumbfounded for a moment before speaking. “No, they’re not.” Cas says honestly.  
Dean rubs the back of his neck avoiding his gaze. “Well, Uh. I better go to my appointment. Feel free to borrow whatever one you want.” He mumbles and tilts his head in the direction of the books. 

Cas smiles, he has all of these but he appreciates the gesture and he’d be lying if he said he wasn’t intrigued to know what Dean had written in them. 

“Thank you Dean.” 

“Did you uh want a ride home?” Dean asks moving towards the record player to turn it off. 

“Thank you Dean, but I would like to stay to help Sam with his paper. I’m afraid that I wasn’t much help to him this morning.” 

Dean chuckles and puts the vinyl in the sleeve. “Why weren’t you much of a help?” 

“Because you sounded like a weasel being skinned alive.” Sam said leaning against the door holding a tray of breakfast foods that Mary must’ve sent up with him.   
Dean tensed up slightly but relaxed just as quickly. “Can’t a guy be happy in this house?” he asks winking at Cas. Cas blushes slightly and looks at the warn edition of Browning’s poetry in his hand. 

Sam rolls his eyes, “I take it your date went well with Lisa last night?”

Dean shrugs, “it was alright. We had dinner and then we ended up meeting up with Cas and Charlie at the Roadhouse.” 

“That’s it?” Sam asks in disbelief. 

“What do you want me to say Sammy? Is the only fuckin’ reason I can be happy is because I got laid?” 

Dean doesn’t wait for answer. He turns to Cas and shoves the record he’s holding against Cas’s chest. “Listen to this. I’ll look up Palaye and we can compare next time.” Dean left Cas standing staring after him and bushes past Sam ignoring his bitch face. 

Cas clutched the book and album to his chest his heart pounding. He listens to Dean’s descending steps until he hears the front door close more forcefully than necessary. He wants to sit at Dean’s desk and read while listening to the record but he knows that would be inappropriate. 

“Shall we go work on your essay?” he asks and looks up at Sam to see his friend grimacing at him. 

“What are you doing Cas?” 

“What do you mean?”

Sam sighs loudly and crosses the threshold into Dean’s room to put the tray down on Dean’s bed. “I can tell that you like him.” 

Cas opens his mouth to protest but can’t seem to find his voice. 

“Don’t bother trying to deny it Cas. Everyone has a thing for Dean when they first meet him but it never lasts long even if Dean decides to give them a chance.” 

“Sam, I just met Dean and he’s your brother.” 

Sam snorts and crosses his arms. “Look Cas, growing up almost all of my friends either wanted Dean or wanted to be him. I just don’t want you to get hurt. He’s a straight as it comes and he doesn’t do the whole deep with feelings thing.” he says air quoting the end. 

Cas stares down at the worn paperback in his hand torn because he held the evidence of Dean’s deep thoughts and feelings but he didn’t want to break Dean’s confidence and share that with Sam. He also didn’t want to fight with Sam over his crush on Dean. Oh, that’s a new thought. Yet a part of him felt like Sam was wrong about Dean. Not about the straight part but about Dean being a simple minded womanizer. 

“I don’t think you know your brother as well as you think you do.” 

Sam looked at him dumfounded. “What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

“You seem to still think of him as a simple-minded horny teenager. I, however, see a man struggling to live up to the weight of a family who never learned to grow along with him.” 

Sam looks stunned at Cas’s blunt remark. 

“I’ll see you at work, have a good weekend,” he says and leaves the room, slamming the door to his bedroom. 

Cas stands there for a moment feeling sick. Did he really just say that? Clutching Dean’s book and record he heads downstairs. He leans against the wall shaking slightly due to the confrontation and attempts to put his shoes on with one hand. 

“Leaving so soon Cas?” Mary asks her face laced with concern. 

Cas pauses tying his shoes, staring at a very interesting spot on the tile floor, “Yeah…I just…it’s just…” raising his eyes he meets Mary’s which are filled with legitimate concern. “I’ve gotta go…I’ll see you later.” He doesn’t wait for Mary to respond. He tugs the door open and bursts outside desperate for air.   
****  
Dean’s appointment was exhausting. His eyeballs felt like they were going to pop out of his head and his leg hurt like a bitch. All he wanted to do was lay down and sleep for the rest of the day. His mother, however, had other plans. As soon as he closed the door behind him she pounced. 

“How was your appointment sweetheart?” 

“S’okay.” he mumbles. 

“What happened with Cas?” 

“What do you mean?” he asks confused

“After you stormed out, there some yelling and then Cas fled the house nearly in tears.”

Dean refrains from rolling his eyes. “Sorry for slamming the door Ma. But I don’t know what happened between Sam and Cas. I loaned Cas a book and an album and then I left for my appointment.” 

“I’ve never seen them argue before. Something must’ve happened.” 

“My head’s killin’ me. I’m goin’ to bed.” 

Mary presses her lips into a thin line. “Okay Dean. I think when you’re feeling better you should probably talk to Cas or Sam.”

Dean grumbles incoherently but nods. He heads upstairs but stops dead in his doorway at the sight of the full tray of food sitting on his bed. 

“Son of a bitch.”


End file.
